NICU, Day 13: September 30, 2009

Overall, today was a good day.

Surgeon report:  Luke is continuing to recover well, it's just a slow process.  His stoma (where the bowel was brought to the surface of his belly) is healing well and looks "beefy red," a term the nurses use.  We put his bag on it today so for the next couple of months, his stool will come out there.  After a few months, Dr. M will go back in and surgically reattach his bowel inside the belly.  Sorry if that's TMI :-)

Cardiologist report:  Dr. Shaffer spoke with us about the implications and corrective options for Luke's VSD and PDA (two holes in the bottom two chambers and in the lower ventricles).  The PDA typically closes the first few days of life in infants and there's a chance Luke's could still close.  If not, it's a surgery that can be done with a catheter.  The VSD could also be closed surgically, either via cath or open heart, but it's still too premature to even make a plan of action on either.  We first need to get Luke recovered from his major bowel surgery and then we can tackle his ticker.  We'll do another echo next week and go from there.

Neo report:  Overall, Dr. Michael is very happy with Luke's progress.  His creatnine is down to .3 (exactly where we want it right now) which indicates that his two kidneys are keeping pace with his growth and he's happy with his post-op films.  We discussed getting a PICC line later today (which we did about 5pm).  PICC is a peripheral intravenous central catheter.  Luke's is in his left leg.  It took them nearly four hours to get it in - mostly looking during that time, not sticking.  But still.  I had to leave the room.  Note to self:  If your child ever needs a PICC line, leave the room.

He's still on his pain meds and has found a happy place with his new-found love, Verset.  I'm still trying to figure out how to score some of that myself.

The kids came up today and we decorated Luke's door - each NICU baby has his/her own room with a sliding door, and the staff encouraged us to trick it out.  Trick we did.  We didn't allow the kids in the NICU - too many germy hands, too many tubes coming out of Luke.  But, they had a grand time making his room a little more like home.

Tonight I just sat in Luke's room and enjoyed watching him sleep.  I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is to look at him and not be able to love and hold him.  As parents, I think we take that for granted sometimes.  I know the day will come soon, but for this mom, it's not soon enough.  Mostly, I long to see his sweet eyes looking at me curiously, his milk drunk smile, his sweet chest moving up and down, his little hand grabbing mine.

We know that he has a long road ahead.  Luke is one sick kiddo.  But we're comforted by your prayers and help.  And, we are thankful for the time we have with him now.  Man, are we in love.

TOP TEN: NICU Telltales

Before I get to today's update, I have two important things to share...

Happy, Happy Birthday Nana!!  Aren't you glad we didn't hijack your birthday?  We pray you have an AWESOME day.  We love you...

And, I thought a good top ten, just like the good 'ol days a few weeks ago, might bring us all some joy.  Here goes...

TOP TEN:  SIGNS YOU'RE A NICU PARENT

1.  You no longer have any skin left on your hands.  You wash them at least 12-15 times a day with that great hospital-grade soap.

2.  You find yourself saying to your kids, "Get that room cleaned up STAT."

3.  When you're hungry, you stand at your front door waiting for your tray.

4.  Everytime you change a diaper, you look for the scale to weigh it and the sheet of paper to record what the poop looks like.

5.  You refer to your morning "to-do" list as "rounds."

6.  You're impressed by your growing acronym and medical lingo vocabulary - NEC, KUB, Pulse Ox, PDA, CBC -  but everyone else thinks you might need to be admitted to the nearest state hospital.

7.  You try to recall every ER episode in hopes that the drama will end within the hour.

8.  You hire a friend to knock on your front door every hour and say things like, "Housekeeping", "Child Life Services", "Social Worker" and "Dietician."

9.  You refer to mealtimes as "feeds" and require your children to eat every three hours, but don't let them linger any longer than 30 minutes.

10.  Just when your kids get good and settled at night, you flip on the lights, strip them down to their underwear, weigh them and then tell them to sleep well.

NICU, Day 12: September 29, 2009

Finally, we got some rest last night.  Luke spent most of the evening enjoying the high of his anesthesia and rested comfortably.  I checked on him about 2:30am (up pumping :-) and he looked peaceful.  I think that helped me sleep.

During 11am rounds, we got the down and dirty as to what's going on.  And, fortunately our neo knows I'll always have a question (or two or three) at the end.  I'm his other resident...  Rounds are one of the things I really admire about Dell Children's.  They see Scott and I as part of the team and include us on as much as possible.  They never tire of our questions and they're always eager to ask what more they can do.  Well done DCMC.

For right now, things are stable.  We finally found the right dosage of pain meds and the plan is to give him another blood transfusion this evening.  Just an FYI:  infants don't really make blood, like adults, the first few months of life.  Thus, those transfusions are importante.  His right lung, the upper lobe, had a bit of fluid and secretions and the respiratory therapist will be working with Luke to break those up and get full air flow in that lung throughout the day.  At his 2pm check-in, we learned that the x-rays showed an all-clear lung.  And, as the RT said, "I was surprised!  That's great news."  Seems as if Master Luke has the force.

We were finally able to get his echocardiogram done this afternoon, as well. I probably forgot to mention that in all the hullaballo on Sunday.  The neo detected a slight murmur and had ordered an echo for Monday.  We all know how that played out yesterday, so the order got moved to today.  The report came in about 3 that he has VSD and PDA.  Layman's terms?  VSD means that there's a slight hole between the two bottom chambers of his heart, the ventricular.  And, another hole that's slightly open (PDA) just below his heart between the two valves.  This one typically closes 3 or so days after birth.  We won't really know more until we visit with the pediatric cardiologist tomorrow morning.  Neither is life-threatening to Luke and while a bit concerning, our primary focus is his bowel and the infection.  Both the VSD and the PDA can be corrected via a catheter and right now, we don't believe they will require open heart surgery.

One thing at a time buddy.  One thing at a time.

We enjoyed lunch with my Dad and a friend today - actually venturing out of the hospital.  Good for all of us, and especially good for me.

Trust me, I should get a sign-up sheet for everyone that's asked if I'm taking care of myself.  For the most part, yes.  I know that when the time is right, we'll get kicked out of our rooming in spot in the NICU and I'll be back at home.  It's not really realistic to think that I'll be this close to Luke during his entire stay in the NICU.  But during this acute, critical phase it has given me peace of mind to be so close.  You know, a momma bear has to protect her cubs.

Around 4:30, we attended Mass here at the hospital.  A welcome perk to being in a Catholic hospital.  Luke received some wonderful prayers and blessings from our priest at St. Vincent de Paul, as well.  Scott ventured home for a bit to eat dinner with the kids and partake in the craziness we call "wash 'em, dry 'em and put 'em up", i.e. bath and bedtime.  I'm sure they enjoyed some Daddy love.  Granny Carla and Uncle Cory went back home and Granny will be back on Sunday for the week.

While Scott was gone, I had the chance to do something quite special with Luke tonight.  Hold him!  Well, not exactly what you're thinking.  I held him up while they changed his bedding.  But to touch his little body and tell him how much I loved him while doing it was awesome.  I'm learning to enjoy the little joys in the NICU.  Scott will be jealous.

One last thing before signing off for this evening...a few days ago I talked about our stay here being a blip on the radar.  Scratch that.  This journey, this experience, has altered our perspective permanently.  No blips.  Big life change.

Glad we got that straight.

How you can help

Several of you have asked about meals, helping shuttle the kids, etc.  Right now, meals are a great way to assist us.  You can click here and sign up.  This site was graciously set up by a mom in John Paul's kindergarten class.

As for shuttling kids, we have all that in place for this week.  We've learned  to take it one week at a time :-)  And, I know that Will would enjoy a playdate or sleepover.  Right now, he has flag football games on Fridays and practice on Wednesdays.

Prayers, certainly, are appreciated.

From time to time, we find ourselves needing things at the hospital and several of you have reached out to offer your time in that regard.  I promise we will call on you if we need it.

And, as always, I'll keep you updated on Master Luke here on the family blog.  

NICU, Day 11: September 28, 2009

Please don't cheat...in order to truly appreciate today's post, you have to scroll down to yesterday's and read the update.  For reals.

At 11:01, we drove away from Seton and sped over to our new NICU home at Dell Children's.  As soon as we hit the door, it was like a covey of quails.  The nurses started asking us what we needed.  Food?  Water?  Kleenex?  You name it, they were on it.  Five minutes later, Luke was settled in his new room (the penthouse suite all to himself, in Bay 8).  Actually, every NICU baby here has his/her own room, along with a 2:1 patient to nurse ratio.  They immediately sprung into action.

Before I go any farther, I should explain what it is, exactly, that was causing all the rucus.  Luke had a definitive diagnosis of NEC.  Necrotizing enterocolitis.  Or, as we affectionately call it, the Third Ring of Hell.  I'm going to pull a "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" definition on you.  "Necrotizing" means the death of tissue, "entero" refers to the small intestine and "colo" the large intestine and "itis" meaning inflammation.  It's basically a bacteria the appears in the intestine and eats away at the bowel, sometimes eating a hole through the bowel, spilling bacteria and other nastiness into the stomach.  Lovely sounding, right?  That "perf" is dangerous stuff, especially when your under 4 pounds.  It's a complication, occurring in 1%-5% of NICU admissions.  Yes, our Luke is a trend setter, at just 10 days of age.

Ok, school time's over.

Dr. Pont came over and we began talking about our course of action.  She had already started a new round of antibiotics, a dopomine drip to get the urine output going and some phentanyl for pain relief.  The pediatric surgeon was paged, Dr. Meyer, and he assessed Luke.  Again, the Holy Spirit allowed the NICU to plant a seed.  He told us surgery was a real option, in fact he said Luke's chances were about 50/50.  To be quite honest, it was during Luke's admission at Dell that Scott and I felt he might not make it through the night.  We were put into an excruciating pattern of watch and wait.  We were given a "rooming in" room just steps from his Bay and we tried our hardest to get some rest.  Ha, notsomuch.

It was a restless night and early morning for us to say the least.  I'm guessing we got about 4 or so hours of "sleep."

We awakened to some good news in that Luke's night was stable, although he hadn't really shown any significant signs of improvement.  Any slight touches to his belly brought about horrific pain and we spent much of the morning holding his hand and silently crying at his bedside.

We did have a bright spot during late morning rounds where we reviewed Luke's evolving x-rays and blood cultures.  So far, stable.  But, the neonatologist was quick to point out that NEC can turn on a dime and that, in his words, "It sucked."  Agreed.

Scott's Mom and brother drove in and met us at Luke's bedside.  Seeing your nephew/grandson for the first time with all those wires was hard on all of us.  The two of them, along with Scott, left to get cleaned up and grab lunch while I stayed at the hospital.

A quick hat tip to Dell real quick.  They believe if you're a nursing mom, whether you're rooming in or not, that because you feed baby, they feed you.  So, all my meals while I'm here are taken care of.  Well, between us and our insurance company anyway :-)

I chatted with a friend, ate my lunch and was just getting ready to lay down, when I felt compelled to visit Luke one quick moment before catching a much-needed nap.  I hadn't been in his room five minutes, when Dr. Meyer appeared.  After poking on Luke's belly, he looked at me and said, "Kathryn, I think we need to go in and see what's going on."  Howdy sledgehammer to the head.  My response?  "Based on what?"  After a drama-filled hour and a half full of explanations, discussions between the neo and the surgeon, individual meetings with us and so many tears I cannot recall, we made the most difficult decision of our parental life.  We entrusted the life of our most fragile child in the hands of a surgeon we had only known less than 13 hours.

While they were prepping Luke for surgery, Scott and I came to our room and just wept.  Because giving your child to God, truly giving your child to Him, is total surrender.  It's humbling and hard, but you know in your heart it's what we're called to do.  And, it's the realization that our life and our child's life is not our own.  These fantastically wonderful gifts of ours are simply on loan to us until they return to their Heavenly Father.  We knew that in saying "yes" to the surgery, we might also be saying "yes" to an eternal life for our newest member so much quicker than we had imagined.  It was in that moment I was reminded of the Bible's most powerful scripture.  One that came to mind many times today.  "Jesus wept."  Seeing people you love in pain makes you helpless, but it also makes you do one of two things, move away from God or closer to Him.  Today, our faith life as man and woman, as a married couple and as parents took one step closer to God.  Quite frankly, it was the most difficult step I've ever taken.  I praise God for giving me Scott to take that step together.

We travelled with Luke to surgery, squeezed his hand, stroked his head and told him a million times how much we loved him.  And then we watched them wheel our hearts through the surgery door.  Oh my.  That is what it feels like to love so completely.

We immediately went to the chapel and prayed.  And, once again God's peace rained down.  I mean torrential downpour people.  We walked in with raspy voices and eyes full of tears, we sat down, held one another's hand and our breathing slowed.  We were most definitely in the presence of Christ.  And while our physical bodies were no longer with Luke, we knew His maker was holding his hand in that operating room.  A roomful of peace.  Bring it.

The prep, surgery and post-op was difficult, but we were filled with confidence knowing that hundreds and hundreds of faithful friends and family were storming Heaven on Luke's behalf.  To be honest, I felt a little like a prayer hog.  Oink.  Oink.

We joined Dr. Meyer during post-op and he informed us that Luke had done quite well during surgery.  He removed 16cm of small intestine, part of Luke's colon and his appendix (yea, no future episodes of appendicitis!)  He was clearly infected with NEC, in fact, much of that intestine had already liquified.  God bless Dr. Michael and Dr. Meyer for guiding us today.  We prayed for them incessantly.  And we know you did, too.

We have many, many hurdles to jump before Luke is in the all clear.  Today was a good day and we rejoice.  But we know all too well the roller coaster of the NICU.  We'll spend the next 14 days on no feeds, continuous nutrition through an IV and constant doses of antibiotics.  On Day 15, we'll slowly and painfully begin feeds again.  That will be the test of the success of the surgery.  It's a real possibility Luke could develop NEC again, or that his bowel could develop scar tissue that will have to be surgically repaired before successful feedings.  Those will all come in time.  We will take tomorrow, tomorrow.

It would be silly of me to think that I can properly say thank you for how you lifted our entire family up in prayer today.  Y'all just simply rock.  Your community, your faithfulness, your desire to reach out to Scott and I throughout the day is a witness.  It's our prayer that our little 3lb. 9oz miracle showed the Dell Children's NICU what great faith looks like.

St. Luke the Evangelizer...pray for us!

NICU, Day 10: September 27, 2009 UPDATED!

Hi, my name is Kathryn and I hate the NICU.

After a good day yesterday (and an equally good night with the evening nurse), I was feeling really good about Luke's progress. My parents met me in the NICU for his 8am feed, he didn't do great, but I didn't think too much about it. My parents and I enjoyed a really nice brunch together and it was refreshing to get out of the hospital. But, I couldn't seem to shake a nagging feeling that something was wrong with Luke.

At his 11am feed, I saw Dr. W and got a good report. His billy levels were way down (the light is gone!), his creatnine has stabilized at around .7/.6 (we want it to be lower, but at least it's going down) and all signs were pointing us in the "you're headed in the right direction" pathway. In fact, it was at this feed that I noticed he had lost his umbilical cord! We even talked about giving him a bath later today.

Luke was extremely irritable and wouldn't latch, nor would he take the bottle. In fact, as I was burping him, I was worried that he might spit up blood. At the time, I thought my mind was just working overtime. Lesson #56 in the NICU, your intuition is never wrong.

When I arrived at the 2pm feed, both the nurse and I suspected something was going on. He took about two drinks of the milk and then started wailing. Not good. We opened his diaper - oh, so not good. He had bloody stool. In about two minutes there was a nurse practioner, the neonatoligist and three nurses at his bedside. After an exam of his belly by Dr. W, an x-ray was ordered and they arrived five minutes later.

Let me just say this...those are all things you do NOT want to happen at your child's bedside. It appears he has the infection we prayed he would never have. We're doing x-rays every 6-8 hours and he's on no feeds for at least a week, but it could be 10-14 days. You know how that all went down with this mom. It is the most helpless, horrible feeling that I would not wish on my worst enemy, even a Longhorn :-)

Scott's here at the hospital, while Nana, Papa and Aunt A and Uncle D are keeping things humming on the homefront.

***  This would be where we left off last night.  Oh my - so much more has happened. ***

We went to see Luke and he looked absolutely horrible.  His color was nearly white and he was grunting in pain with every breath.  We sat with him for a short time and then had to leave because of the shift change.  At that point we began to ask ourselves if baptizing Luke tonight was something we should seriously consider.  We tucked that little thought in our caps and went to my nesting room to visit with Msgr. Mulvey.  Oh, how the tears flowed.  We knew that what we were facing would be difficult.  Only God had an even greater cross for us to carry...in that hour with Msgr. he was preparing us for the next 24 hours.

When we arrived back at the NICU, a curtain was drawn around Luke's bedside, and we saw a flurry of activity.  The desk nurse asked us to scrub in and wait for the nurse.  My intuition had been right all along.  This was turning into our worst nightmare.  Patty, the Nurse Practioner, advised us that they were intubating Luke to regulate his breathing...during the last hour he had stopped breathing and they wanted to regulate (and stimulate) him to breathe.  That's about the time I lost it.  Thank God Scott was there.  I just turned into his chest and sobbed.  When we were able to see Luke and visit with Dr. W, we were informed that we were being transferred to Dell Children's Medical Center because Dr. W felt he had progressed so badly so rapidly that we needed to be near a surgeon, should it come to that.

I just remember holding Luke's hand, looking up at the NP and saying, "Patty, this is horrible."  I realized then, that this journey - while excruciating for Scott, Luke and I - greatly affected our NICU staff.  They are such a compassionate, loving group of angels.  There is no "stiff upper lip" in the NICU.  They are keenly aware that while treating those babies, they're also treating us parents.  If I haven't said it before, I hate the NICU.  And if I have, well, I'll say it again for good measure.

I whispered to Luke, "Thank God you won't remember all this buddy."  And, the nurse next to me put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "But we know you will, Mom.  Hang in there."

It was in those precious, hectic moments of transport that Scott and I made a decision that brought us our first round of much-needed peace.  We called Luke's Godfather, Fr. Dean, and asked him to come to the hospital for Luke's baptism.

Writing about it here, simply doesn't allow you to experience the tremendous amount of peace those moments provided us.  But, I'm gonna give it a shot.

The nurses partitioned off our little are of Bay 2, Fr. Dean read a beautiful passage from the Bible, and said the most precious words of the evening..."Luke, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen."  The Holy water dripping from his head, the tears dripping from my eyes and the firm grip of Scott's hand...in an instant, the Holy Spirit took control.  He allowed us to give Luke back to God.  To entrust our most precious and gorgeous gift to Him once again.  There are no words that truly describe that complete and total surrender.

Harder than hell.  But peaceful.

Transport arrived minutes later.  We hugged nearly every NP, nurse and doctor in that room.  Wiped our tear-filled eyes and walked out the door of Seton NICU.  Forever.  Time was 11:01pm.

NICU, Day 9: September 26, 2009

So, I feel like I should start today's post with a joke or something. Y'all are a patient bunch and I hate to make you cry every night. I mean, I've seriously cried enough for all of us!

Luke and I both had a good night. At his 8am feed, I was excited to learn that the doctor had resumed feedings, just at a smaller level, 20cc. So, over the next day, we'll build back up to 30cc. His bilirubin levels are down to 8.2 and he'll stay under the light until sometime on Sunday. The IV should come out tomorrow as well. Creatnine is down to .6. Overall, we're headed in the right direction.

The only blip is he has a feeding tube down his mouth, rather than his nose, which makes feedings a bit interesting. We're working through it. Hopefully tomorrow morning, it will be back in his nose and he'll be off, running and eating like a big guy.

Today, Scott, the kids, Nana and Papa and Uncle D and Aunt A came down after the flag football game. It was really good to see them, and to get out of the hospital for lunch. The sunshine was good for me!

We just keep working on taking it one feeding at a time and trying not to think about a discharge date. We're happy that another baby in our bay, Nola, went home yesterday. Although, we gained a set of twins and another baby about mid-afternoon. Always busy in the NICU.

Tonight, I got a double dose of Whitaker love when Scott and the kids came down for a quick dinner after their soccer games. If I haven't said it lately, I married a super dad. I've talked a lot about the craziness of the NICU, but all the while Scott's been keeping things humming at home and the kids are doing great. I love you, sweetheart.

So, here's to a restful night for all of us and another day of small victories.

NICU, Day 8: September 25, 2009

Happy one-week birthday, Luke! This time last week, I was hooked up to pitocin waiting for his arrival. My how things can change in a week.

At this morning's early morning feed, I walked in to see Master Luke under "the light." His billirubin levels hit 12.1 at 4am this morning, so a sun-tanning he goes. That will mean that his feeds will be shorter (30 minutes or less) so we can keep him under the light as long as possible. Not as much cuddling today which already makes me sad. But, the silver lining is that this will decrease his levels much faster and get that nastiness out of his system. Can I hear an AMEN?

This morning Bay 2 was a nuthouse. The first nurse assigned to us was called out for transport. A full-term baby was in distress and was being brought up to the NICU. And, our second nurse got called to another bay for an emergency intubation. I saw the swirl of the hurricane before my eyes and had to take a minute to collect myself. In a blink, a blink folks, the NICU can be a chaotic place. A parent's life can change. A baby can go from perfectly a-okay to distress. Just like that.

At his 11am feed, Scott joined me and we were greeted by Dr. C. It seems as if Luke is not digesting his feeds completely. So, as a precaution, we're doing several x-rays, holding off feeds and putting the IV back in so he can get his nutrients. Let's just say that I did not handle the IV putting back in very well. I had to go into another room. We decided to head to lunch while they worked on Luke.

When I returned at 2pm, Luke was still not able to eat, and that continued throughout the day. At 5pm, it could not have been any more joyful in my room...Scott and the kids arrived for family movie night, complete with pizza, popcorn and brownies. It was your typical chaos, but it was so very good to spend some time with them. My mind couldn't help but imagine Luke sitting there with us...

Before dinner, we stopped by the NICU, so the kids could see and talk to Luke. They were overjoyed and loved his cool sunglasses. And, I must say, they are pretty sweet.

About halfway into our family fun night, we got a call from Dr. C, all the x-rays and the CBC came back mostly normal. The x-rays did show some air pockets, but his bowel isn't descended, his color is good and his heart is not in distress. Those are all good signs. However, the doctor wants to hold off on feeds until one last round of x-rays, another CBC, a check of his billy in the morning and another exam. So, I'll just be pumping and sleeping tonight...or at least trying to. I just spent about 30 minutes in the NICU just stroking his tiny little foot, watching him breathe. So many things were going through my mind, namely that I feel so completely helpless and so totally dependent upon God's grace. That is a humbling thing. To give it all to God. You know, because I can cry and question and wonder why, but none of that makes Luke better. The crying, however, does make feel a tiny bit better :-) But I know that it is faith that is carrying us through our days here. Someday, hopefully someday soon, we'll look back on these days and they'll seem like a blip on the radar. When you're living it, it's a different story.

For the most part, that's good news. They're being cautious and protective of Luke and his bowel and for that I am very, very grateful. My heart aches, though, knowing that I don't get to cuddle with him this evening, and that I'm going to miss Will's flag football game in the morning. Sweetheart, when you read this, say it with me, "This too shall pass."

One final note about the compassion here at Seton. We have the coolest nurse tonight, Gunther. He was here last Friday on Luke's first night in the NICU. He's amazing, thorough, funny, dedicated and so totally in love with his job. Luke has the best tonight. I kinda lost it tonight as Gunther was walking me through what they would be monitoring during his shift. He just put his hand on my shoulder, handed me some kleenex and told me it was okay to be worried, okay to be scared. I SO wanted to hold Luke...to pick him up out of the bed and make it all better. Gunther told me, "You know, we have a soft spot and I will do anything I can to make this easier on both of you. Sit here and spend some time with Luke."

The NICU is a horrible place, but you still find yourself wanting to invite the entire staff over for dinner. They are the closest thing I know to angels.

Thank you God for Luke, for his amazing progress, for his loving nurses, for a stellar NICU and for the prayers on his behalf. I sometimes feel like there's this blanket of prayer protection around him - that probably sounds weird. And, I don't mean to imply that other babies in the NICU don't also have people praying for them. Because I know better. I just know that every feed when I walk in that room, I feel - really feel - your prayers. Thank you for taking a few moments out of your day to lift Luke up in prayer. That sacrifice does not go unnoticed.

Camp Dad: Week One

Things I have learned while being on active duty this week:

1. When making smores, don't leave a marshmallow in the microwave longer than 3 seconds, it ain't pretty.

2. Sweet tea for dinner will not ruin your kids teeth or keep them awake.

3. All day kindergarten is hard on your active five-year-old.

4. Don't hit the snooze more than two times on your Blackberry.

5. Staying at home is not hard work, digging ditches in 105 degree weather is, but man is it mentally and emotionally draining.

6. Don't trust your son when you ask him did he get his lunch box and he says yes.

7. Take time and get in the floor and roll around and play with your kids.

8. Will is pretty darn good at dominoes.

9. Taking your wife flowers while she is nesting in the hospital is a good thing.

10. Prayer works.

NICU, Day 7: September 24, 2009

The verdict is in - Luke is officially IV free!! When I came in this morning for his 8am feed, he looked pretty happy and content. His bottom however, notsomuch.

While I'm sure this will banish me to the "Most Embarrasing Thing My Mom Ever Did" category, I'm blogging about it anyway. Turns out that as billirubin exits the body, it's extremely acidic which makes an already red hiney, even redder. Our funny, experienced nurse this morning set up the greatest contraption. Yes, I took pictures, but no I'm not sharing. We laid him on his belly, hiney to the world, with an O2 tube blowing on it and some Boudreaux's butt paste lathered on. When I asked the nurse if this was a trick she learned in nursing school, her reply was, "Nope, that would be my 16 years of NICU nurse experience."

We did get a prescription for some "special butt paste" - yes, there is such a thing, and yes it requires a prescription. It's like diaper rash cream for rich people. Love it. He seems to be on the mend, for all to see.

Enough about that end of the anatomy. Feedings. Yesterday, they did not go well, in the evening, and this morning. After some discussion with the nurse, she encouraged me to let her put in a feeding tube. It's helping him keep pace with the increases in his feeds (he was up to 26cc) without expending too much energy and burning off the calories he just got. I'll admit, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Oh, and as a quick update, Iona and Liam went home today!

Our daily Luke report: both the billy and creatnine levels stayed the same, we're hoping tomorrow morning we'll see a drop in both. Feeds were inceased again to 30cc, as we inch toward that one ounce. Still concerned about the kidneys and an intestinal infection. It's the wait and see game. There are three milestones he needs to reach:

breathing on his own, check
maintaining his body temperature, working on it
being able to eat independently (nursing preferable) and gain weight, working on it

Hey, we're 33% there.

Scott came for lunch and his 11am feed. The time was short, but so needed. I started crying at lunch - I'm a little on the edge with all these hormones - and Scott thought I was choking! We got a good laugh out of that.

At, the 2pm feed, we had a good nursing session and I almost did a dance in the NICU, except not, because momma can't dance. So, I just gave Luke a ton 'o kisses on the forehead for the good work.

Just before heading up to the 5pm feed, I got a call from my OB. The pathology report is in and...drumroll...completely and totally 100% normal. No placental mass detected, no irregular cells, no tumor, nada, zilch, nothing. So, if we decide to have more children, we know that Luke's IUGR (intrauterine growth retardation) is purely fetal and has nothing to do with the quality or size of my uterus or the placenta. Key word folks is IF. Right now, I'm just trying to make it to tomorrow morning. One kiddo at a time.

One last story and then I'll leave you alone. On my way to a feed this evening, I saw my nurse from this morning, followed by an incubator, another NICU nurse and a dad, dressed in scrubs. I immediately had a flashback to last Friday. Except the handsome man in scrubs was my husband and the sweet baby was Luke. We took the express elevator to the top floor and they were all whisked off to Bay 6. Can I tell you I wanted to hug that Dad and tell him that everything would be ok? I wanted to reassure him that his baby had the best care. That his wife would be ok. And, that it was okay to shed a few - or a lot - of tears. But I caught a glimpse of myself in the window to the NICU and realized how much we've grown in faith, in maturity and in love in the last week. That family will too, God willing.

I'd like to end today's post with a note of thanks. For the meals, the prayers, the kind emails and comments, the sweet words of affirmation on facebook, the inquiring phone calls and everything in between. Each comes at just the right moment. I'll be having a rough hour, check my email and there will be a note, brightening my day. Scott will be busy with the kids and the doorbell rings and it's another hot meal he doesn't have to cook. You have no idea what you mean to our family. For reals. Being in the NICU has changed our life.

As I was feeding Luke this evening, I thought quite a bit about his namesake, St. Luke the Evangelizer. Could we have chosen a more appropriate name? This 3lb. 9oz. miracle has taught me - and lots of others - what it means to have unconditional faith, unconditional love, unconditional salvation.

St. Luke, pray for us...and gain a little weight, will ya?

NICU, Day 6: September 23, 2009

I've been pretty good about skipping one of the middle of the night feedings and letting the nurses handle either the 2am or 5am one. Well, this mom totally slept through her alarm and missed the 2am feeding...by two hours! Fortunately, there was enough of my milk stored in the NICU refrigerator to sustain Master Eat-a-lot.

I was elated to have Scott and the girls join me this morning. We hung out in the room, Scott and Anna-Laura took over the the Luke feeding and Clare and I played. Then, we actually got out of the hospital (hooray!) and enjoyed lunch together. Oh, how I needed that.

Our daily Luke report is that the feedings were increased to 24cc, his billy level is 11 (hoping it doesn't make it to 12), his creatine level is continuing to go down and is now at .6, electrolytes are good as is his urine output. He has a nasty diaper rash, but he's tolerating pretty well. His hiney is so tiny!! With each passing day his risk of complications decreases, but Dr. C reminded us that it's still there. The biggest risk factor is the possibility of contracting an infection in his intestines which is why they slowly increase his feedings so the balance of good and icky bacteria stay in check. So, we're cautiously optimistic and we'll take today for what it is.

After lunch, Scott dropped me off at the hospital and I kissed the girls goodbye. That just never gets easy, and it was made worse by ALG crying and saying, "Mommy, I don't want you to go." Don't remember a whole lot on the way back to the room. At least I had a place to cry in private. Those of you who have been in my shoes know the incredible amount of guilt you encounter when you leave one child to take care of another. If I could bi-locate I would so do that. And, not seeing Scott is hard. Texts and phone calls only get you so far :-( Please pray that we can endure this journey with grace. I know the kids are probably doing better than I think, it's just hard. Sorry to be a downer...

On the upside, a good friend of mine picked me up and I enjoyed a home-cooked meal at her house which is just minutes from the hospital. I really, really needed that.

Tonight was just a tough one all around. At Luke's 5pm feeding, he didn't do a great job of finishing and he was just extra fussy. Not like my Luke. He wouldn't even latch on to nurse, which has been the case most of the day. At the 8pm feeding we went from bad to worse. He spit up and nearly choked - thank goodness I've had a baby do that before or I would've been the screaming, crazy mom in Bay 2. He wouldn't latch to save his life and he was screaming when I left. Definitely not my Luke. I called Scott in tears. Damn (sorry), the NICU is not for the faint of heart. It really is a roller coaster from one feeding to the next. At 11pm, I prepared myself for another rocky go. But, much to my surprise and delight, when I walked up to his bed the nurse was taking out his IV. Yeah, you read correctly. TAKING OUT THE IV!!!!!!!!! Basically, the IV gives them fluids, like glucose, to help them maintain their blood sugar while they're not taking in as much milk. So, his feeding was increased to 26cc and if he can maintain his blood sugar levels, we get to say adios to the needle. I decided, after today, that I needed sleep. So, I'm just pumping twice and skipping the 2 and 5am feedings. You'll have to check in tomorrow to see if the IV returns or not!

Recently I received an email from a friend on fb and her advice is some worth sharing. It really touched on what we're going through and helped me gain some perspective. Thanks Ali.

"One day at a time. One ounce at a time. One doctor at a time."

And, with that, I'll call it a night.

NICU, Day 5: September 22, 2009

Tuesday was a big day. Scott got the girls off to school and headed downtown. I, of course, headed to the NICU for Luke's 8am feeding. When I got back, I had just missed my OB, so I jumped in the shower (which felt awesome by the way) and Scott and I went to the NICU for the 11am feeding. I turned over feeding duties to him.

I have to say this...Scott is an amazing dad. No really, he is the very best. Not only does he change diapers without being asked, or scrub a toilet or make a mean pasta dinner - he is always 100% there for his children, in body and spirit. Our children know they are loved and seeing him with Luke reminded me of just how much he means it. I have no idea how I married the greatest man on earth, but it happened.

Dr. C was doing rounds and we got our daily Luke report. Overall, another fairly good day. Again, his feedings were increased (we're now at 20cc), his weight loss looks like it's bottomed out and he thinks tomorrow's weigh-in will show that Luke has regained his birth weight, his creatine levels are continuing to go down, and his electrolytes continue to be normal. He's a little concerned with Luke's growing jaundice. His level was 9 and if he gets to 12, looks like somebody's getting a suntan under the billy light. We shall see.

After we returned to my room, just as we sat down to eat, my OB, Dr. Weihs, stopped by. I have this to tell you about her...when she talks to me, I feel like I am her only patient. I have never met an OB that so totally empathizes with what we're going through and what we have to face. I looked at her and said, "Dr. Weihs I wish there was a way to say thank you enough to you for everything you did for us during delivery." Her reply? "Kathryn, you already have." She sees the three of us as a team and I have no doubt that her 30 years as an OB served us well on Friday. There is no substitute for experience and wisdom. Felicia, if you're reading this, a million thank yous for suggesting we change hospitals and OBs for this delivery. It was the single best pregnancy decision we made.

So I was "officially" discharged today, but Seton has this stellar program called "nesting." They allow you to stay at the hospital, in your very own room, free of charge. Insurance - they know nothing about this little freebie. They don't feed us or medicate us, but the room is ours. The only catch is that if they need the room for a post-partem momma, we get the boot. Right now, it seems to be working pretty well. I'm just a short walk to the elevators that take me to see Luke and it's a fantastic place to crash, pump (and blog!) between feedings. Yes, there's a downside...but I can't go there right now. Maybe tomorrow.

My physical self is doing good. My incision is healing nicely, you know, just in time for that Hawaii vacation I need to book. It's a completely different recovery than from a normal delivery. I'll spare you the details thankyouverymuch. But know that physically, I'm doing a-okay.

It's this emotional roller coaster of the NICU that's taking its toll. I'll tackle that in tomorrow's post. You know, because I'm already crying :-)

On a whim, I decided to attend a "scrapbooking night" for the NICU moms after Luke's early evening feeding. Talk about therapeutic. Evidently, Bay 2 is where it's at, because there were 3 of us there. Liam's mom, Iona's mom and me. We all shared a bit of our NICU experience and story, began making a scrapbook and ate some pizza. I think it was tonight that I realized I've joined a special group of moms. Kinda like when I miscarried. Totally didn't want that membership card, but the company has been uplifting and inspiring. These NICU moms are a special bunch. We all agreed that no matter your story, no matter the length of your stay, it's hard on all of us. It's hard on our babies, our families and our friends who want to help.

NICU, Day 4: September 21, 2009

Monday morning, just before Luke's 11am feeding, Dr. C (another neonatologist) stopped by my room to give me the full Luke report.

Overall, things are progressing in a positive direction. He's eating well, has good urine output, is still on room air and seems to be tolerating the schedule fairly well. Our areas of concern are clearly his kidneys, which are showing up small on the ultrasound. In addition, one of them is lower than it should be, thus giving it the name "pelvic kidney." That in and of itself isn't bad, it's just not in an ideal location with good protection. Guess tackle football may be a wash. We'll wait to hear from the kidney doc soon.

Today, during a couple of Luke's feedings, I could hear the LifeFlight helicopter landing at the hospital. I said some prayers of thanksgiving for Luke's health and offered up some for the families who were suffering.

At lunch, it was um, not very appetizing. So, Mom was kind enough to head up to the hospital with Austin's Pizza and a Dr. Pepper. God love her.

As we waited for the elevators to take us up to the NICU, I was reminded of the cycle of life. In one elevator was your standard housekeeping, errand running folks. In the next, a man on a gurney headed to surgery. And, in the third, a gurney with a soul on its way to the funeral home. Yes, it all comes full circle, doesn't it?

As I was heading to his 5pm feeding, I ran into Dr. C who introduced me to the pediatric nephrologist, Dr. S. I was thrilled to get to speak to the specialist in person! He was amazing and his description of where Luke was, where he needed to be and our steps from here was incredibly helpful and reassuring. Our positives? Urine output is good (he wet the bed twice that day!), creatine (sp?) levels are continuing to go down and his electrolyte balance is normal. The concerns. Both of his kidneys are on the small side and one of them is a pelvic kidney. We don't know where his creatine levels will bottom out at - that's a wait and see game. Ideally, we want them at .3. When I spoke to Dr. S, they were at .9. I had no idea kidneys not only process your waste products and help rid them from your body, they also produce key red blood cells and stabilize and increase your bone strength. Who knew? Of course, I am talking to a man who loves kidneys, so I'm sure that to him they are the super organ :-) I learned so much and am so grateful for his explanation. With Luke's two kidney beans, we'll just have to watch and wait. That's kinda the mantra for the NICU.

It was at tonight's late night feeding, that I had an opportunity to share some insight into the lives of the other families in Bay 2. The NICU is divided into six bays and we occupy the second, just by the window with a beautiful view of downtown Austin. I love it.

As many babies there are in the NICU, there are stories. Each of us is there for completely different reasons, with completely different prognoses and with completely different support systems.

"Bruce" was born at 30 weeks, with no warning. His dad is deployed to Iraq and has been told that his promotion is in jeopardy because he wants to come home to care for his wife and child. They may not have enough military insurance to cover the costs of the NICU and she makes the drive every night from Killeen to see her son. On Monday, he had 16 diagnostic tests, including an ultrasound and barium enema. He may be allergic to his mom's milk and has serious reflux. Every day is a struggle for him.

"Nola" and her parents have been in the NICU for 78 days. She was born at 31 weeks due to her mom's preeclampsia. Today she got news that she might go home Thursday. Her mom and dad are there everyday, loving on her and dressing her in the cutest stinkin clothes you have ever seen. She makes the cutest noises when she eats.

"Liam" was born at 37 weeks, but has some feeding problems. He's progressed well and will likely come home on Thursday. His first-time parents are excited but super stressed that she's not providing enough breastmilk for him to eat.

There are currently 35 babies in the Seton NICU. St. Gerard Majella and St. Philomena - pray for them.

NICU, Day 3

Sunday morning started off pretty well. Scott got the kids fed, Nana and Papa Farnum resumed kiddo duty and we spent the day in the NICU at the assigned feeding times, 8-11-2-5-8-11-2-5.

Some folks have mentioned that it's crazy that the nurses have such a strict schedule. And, I'll admit that as a breastfeeding mom that it's been my biggest struggle. I've always fed on demand, looked for the feeding signs and never kept a real schedule until the kids were older.

But, life is different in the NICU.

The schedule reigns for a few reasons. Namely, that those nurses have to get many babies fed and if they're all on a different schedule, they'd spend their whole day doing it. So much more than feeding goes on there...tests, heel sticks, glucose screens, IV changes, xrays, ultrasounds, constant monitor checking...lots. And, the doctors rely on consistent reporting to get accurate results. So, if a baby eats at the same 30-minute time window every day they're better able to compare trends, thus adjusting feeding sizes and testing as necessary. And, giving us as parents a better picture of our babies' health.

After being on the schedule for a few days, we've started to figure it out. But, I did find myself nearly in tears about the formula thing. Everytime I gave that bottle to Luke and it wasn't me, I cried. Guess you just have to be there to understand. I felt like the one thing that I could do for Luke, my body wasn't producing. That stunk and I have a few other choice words, but this blog is family friendly :-).

So, I called the lactation consultant and we had a heart-to-heart. Belinda has been a great source of encouragement and lo and behold, two feedings later the milk had arrived - consistently - and Luke was officially off formula. Another small success. We're still balancing the bottle feeding with the breastfeeding. Initially, Luke would not latch on. And, people, I know ALL the tricks. But, Belinda swung by on Sunday and he had latched on for a couple of sucks. Little milestones, remember?

The kids came back by on Sunday afternoon, as did the Godfather, Fr. Dean, and the grandparents. We again witnessed some sheer happiness. Seeing the kids with Luke made our separation a little easier. Will even helped the NICU nurse change Luke's diaper. I don't think big brother was too keen on it, and Luke certainly screamed like a crazy person. It actually made us laugh which we hadn't done in a while.

Our report from the doctor was again positive news in that they were increasing his feeding size. A nephrologist is scheduled to visit him on Monday, so we'll see what he says.

The kids took off with my parents and Scott and I enjoyed a nice "celebration dinner" courtesy of the hospital. It was nice to eat a good meal (which I have to say, Seton's food is pretty darn good) and share it with the love of my life.

He headed home and I headed to the next Luke feeding. Sunday night was a little easier, I finally had the rhythm going and Luke and I were hitting our stride. Instead of going to every feeding, I opted to pump at 5am and have the nurses take the milk so I could get some rest. If you've been keeping up with me on facebook, you know how that went down with the nurses - not well. I paged them via the nurse button and asked them to take the milk to the NICU.

Let me give you a little history before I get to the showdown.

The NICU distanced from the new post-partem wing is a jog. So much so, that the nurses had been wheeling me back and forth in a wheelchair. I was slowly doing more and more, but the walk there and back, I could not do. I know my limitations.

Back to the story. So, the desk clerk says to me, "Um, the nurse says you should be able to walk it there yourself." Oh, she does, does she. Since I'm so meek and hardly ever fend for myself, I replied, "Well, I'm NOT walking it there, but I have it ready for her."

After 5 minutes, nada. So, I walked it out to the desk at 5am and told them his feeding was happening then and someone needed to take it up there. The FOUR people standing there (one being a charge nurse) just looked at me and absent-mindedly said, "Ok, we'll get it there for you."

Humpf.

I went to the bathroom and heard my name. Enter payback's a %*#&$. Yep, it was my OB and she asked if everything was ok. After a quick check of my incision she walked out of the room and had a meet Jesus meeting with the desk staff. Amazingly, one minute later, two of them were in my room offering to get me water, pain meds and a trip for two to the Bahamas.

Day 3 ended with a bang, don't ya think?

NICU, Days 1 & 2

Friday night I saw Luke for a few seconds after delivery and then not again until 11am Saturday morning. Thankfully, Scott was at his side the entire time and came into recovery practically flying. He was so happy with Luke's progress after delivery and couldn't wait to tell me.

We learned that his oxygen (O2) levels were at 100%, meaning that he didn't have to be in an incubator or under the O2 tent, his apgar scores were 9/9 and his color was good. I think that news brought us tremendous peace. That, and knowing that he was in good hands in the NICU while we got settled into my room.

No need to go into details about how horrible that first night was for me...physically or emotionally. In another word? Horrible. Thank my lucky stars for a husband who was right there with me and a nurse, Carine, who was a huge source of support and encouragement. We made it through the night, had a brief visit with my OB the following morning and thus began our new adventure. After eating some breakfast and getting the all-clear from my OB to travel...we headed to the NICU for the first time.

That experience defies the English language in its description. One look at Luke and I was butta. Oh my. I'm sure he was hooked up to some monitors and had an IV, but all I saw were his beautiful little eyes looking around. I was already in love before I ever walked into that room.

It was also the kids' first visit to meet their brother. Clare had to sit this one out...she has yet to meet him...because children under 3 aren't allowed in the NICU. We brought the boys in first and they just lit up like fireworks. They kept saying how small he was and kissing his head. Will was especially enamored. I know this is a moment he will remember and that brought tears to my eyes. Anna-Laura came in next and she did the whole, inhale and say, "Hi Wuke!" She smiled the whole time. Scott and I did too. Luke also met his Nana and Papa which was equally sweet.

Already a rock star and only 2 days old.

We got a brief report from the neonatologist, Dr. W, and things were going in the right direction. They started off his feedings at 5cc so as not to irritate his intestines and to keep any infection at bay. Giving them too much too soon can cause an infection, obviously not good if you only weigh 3 pounds and change. Over the next few days/weeks we'll slowly increase those feedings' sizes. He had put in a call to the nephrologist (kidney doctor) to assess the function and health of Luke's two kidneys, and also noticed that both of his testicles had not descended. For the record, I've probably warranted a, "Seriously, Mom? You had to put that on the blog?" from Luke in about 15 years. Well, he's too little to argue, so I'm putting it out there.

We learned how to feed Luke from the bottle - a fairly new experience for this breastfeeding momma - and how to keep all those cords from getting tangled. He has O2 cords, respirator cords (3), a heart monitor, a warming/body temperature cord, an IV and a few others. It's quite a handful and we try hard not to pull on the IV. That's really the one that matters. The more we increase his feedings, the less reliant he is on the IV for fluids. So, bottom line is: bigger feedings mean no IV. That's one of our "small milestones" we look forward to reaching.

This was my first solo night, as Scott went home to take on Mr. Mom. At first I called him at 9, after the 8pm feeding, and was near tears. I can't do this! Fortunately, the Holy Spirit intervened and I found my supportive husband saying, "Kathryn, you can totally do this. You have to do this. We will get through it one day at a time."

So, I put on my big girl meshy panties and did it. Night one was tough, but I surprised myself.

In the NICU we've already learned a valuable lesson. Rather than to dream about the day of discharge, it's better to take one feeding at a time, one ounce at a time, one specialist at a time, one day at a time. And, to celebrate the small milestones, no matter how minute they may seem. They're big in Luke's world.

It's a...BOY!

At 5:37pm on September 18, 2009, God blessed us our family with another life to love - Luke Timothy.

His arrival was certainly drama filled, much like the pregnancy, but there's just not enough thankfulness to go around on this one.

First off, my apologies for being so out of touch since Friday. It's been a whirlwind folks and I'm going to do my best to get everyone up to speed, and keep you that way as the days progress.

Friday morning at 0600, we arrived at the hospital and after a quick history, the nurse began my pitocin. Not much happened until 11am when the contractions started getting stronger and after some urging from my college roomie, Felish (an OB in the same practice as mine), I decided to page the anesthesiologist. Dr. D got the epidural going, but something just didn't feel right. It didn't feel like the others. Remember that bit o' information.

For some reason, I was just anxious all day. Something didn't feel right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. A good friend of ours and the Godmomma, spent most of the day with us. Thank God she did. Bit of information #2 to remember.

Around 2, Dr. W. came in and broke my bag of water to get things going. Typically, with the water broken and epidural, I progress to pushing within the hour. After an hour, we checked and I had only gone from 2 to 3 cm. It was then that I knew this delivery was not going to go the way we envisioned.

So, at 3, the contractions were getting super strong, and I was feeling them. The joys of labor all came back to me. We paged a second anes and he redid the epidural. Yeah, that was fun. Again, the anxiety continued to increase and I'll admit that worry began to creep in. With all my others we were done by now and with Baby W I was nowhere close.

At 4:30, the decision came. Dr. W came in and we watched the baby's heartrate decrease a notable amount with each contraction. It was fish or cut bait time. We could wait an hour or we could start prepping for a c-section. The decision came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

C-section.

There was no doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do. However, admitting that the delivery had entered into unknown and scary took its toll. From 5 to Luke's arrival at 5:37 was a fast-paced, emotional 37 minutes. Scott and I took a few moments for the news to set in. It's not that I felt like I had failed as a mom or that I was even disappointed in not delivering normally, I was scared about what the c-section meant. It meant that we were truly, honestly, a high-risk delivery with the potential for a myriad of complications. Reality came down on me like a ton of bricks.

Melanie has had four c-sections and she kept telling me, "Kathryn, you can do this. You have to do this. This baby needs you to be strong."

So, she and Scott stayed behind in the room while he donned his sterile surgical gear and I was whisked off to the OR. That was the scariest few minutes of my life. There were bright lights, a ton of people (10 or so), shaving, more drugs, lots of shaking (the drugs were making me shake uncontrollably), tears and a whole lot of fear. I'm pretty sure those minutes were filled with prayer as I jumped from "God I cannot do this" to "God help me do this" to "God let's do this".

I remember seeing both Dr. W and her partner Dr. S in the room, feeling the touch of the anesthesiologists hand as he stroked my forehead, the reassurance from my three nurses and Scott's face and the anticipation it held. He plopped down beside me just as Dr. W said, "Ok, Kathryn. We're making the incision." And then I heard cries...screams of joy from our OB, Scott and the nurses and Master Luke. He came out wailing. Praise God! They held him up for me to see, and he was whisked out of the room by neonatology. They came back in a minute later so I could kiss him and the tears just leaked one right after the other from my eyes. I had just kissed a living, breathing miracle.

There was tugging, stitching, lots of blood loss (that's another post!) and me telling Scott to go be with Luke. The medical staff at Seton could not have been more amazing. They knew I was scared out of my wits and they just stepped in like pros. If I could've come off that table and kissed and hugged everyone of them I would have. The gift they gave to Scott and I on Friday can never fully be recognized. In a word? Amazing.

We found out shortly afterward that Luke was a dainty 3lbs. 9.4 oz. and 16.5 inches long. His lungs worked - evidently - and he was off to neonatolgy, the NICU, to fully assess his health. I spent that time in recovery trying to stop shaking and just put my brain around what had just happened. I'm sure that will be a scene I'll replay in my mind for years to come. So many lessons to be learned, so many reasons to be thankful.

As it turns out, my uterus just wasn't getting the job done. It was not contracting the way we had hoped and the cord was indeed, wrapped around Luke's head and neck, causing his heartrate to dip with every contraction.

I shudder to think what might've happened if we had labored longer or opted to do the c-section at a later time. Life isn't about regrets, it's about grace. I want to share with you that your prayers enabled me to say "c-section" so confidently. Your prayers allowed those doctors to work so efficiently and give birth to Luke. Your prayers are sustaining us as our days unfold in the NICU.

Speaking of the NICU. I'm hoping to get my first post up on that tonight. I want to share all of this with you, probably more for my own therapy, and to remember what these days are like. Because someday I know the drama will fade, but I want Luke to know just how precious his life is...as is our other children. They're gifts and we're most honored to have them for a short while.

Some of you asked about his name. Luke has been a contender of ours for many babies. I think we were just searching for all the wrong names, when the right one was in front of us all along. We had lots of options for the middle name, but it wasn't until Scott pulled out his Magnificat and read the readings of the day - both from Luke and Timothy. And, we had seriously considered naming our baby after our perinatologist, if we had a boy. Providential, I'd say.

Luke Timothy - happy birthday buddy. It's an honor to be your mom.

Update 9.17.09

Well, this will be your last in utero update on Baby W...

My visit this morning started off pretty well. I slept absolutely horrible last night and just felt like something was off all day yesterday. Guess a momma's intuition knows these things. I've never really been a big rosary prayer - maybe it was intimidating, maybe it just felt a little forced. But for some reason, this morning I dug out my favorite rosary and headed to Dr. H's office.

During the BPP (one of our best, yet, by the way), I started praying the rosary. Scott wondered how I knew what to do (obviously he's the rosary prayer in the house!) and that's where the trusty iPhone came in handy. A lot of peace came this morning. Guess God was preparing me for the unexpected news...

So, I go in for the ultrasound and growth scan and the baby just isn't him/herself. Then, just before the sonographer stepped out to get the doctor, on a whim, I asked her what the baby's weight was. Her reply? 3lbs. 13 oz.

I knew what that meant. Not good. Not good at all. If you're a numbers person with a good memory, our last growth scan was 3.5 pounds. Even an Aggie who almost flunked out of math class can tell you that's not good growth rate in two weeks time. Just as a comparison, most babies at this gestational age weigh nearly 6 pounds. It took forever (no really, it did) for Dr. H to knock on that door. When he did we just looked at each other for a minute - and we both knew what the other was thinking.

I think my eyes were about to bubble over with tears this morning for lots of reasons -

JOY, in that we get to see our baby with our very own eyes soon
SADNESS that I couldn't get this baby a little further along
THANKFULNESS that we've made it this far - just 16 weeks ago, Dr. H certainly thought this baby was destined for no delivery, or a life of major special needs
UNCERTAINTY in the future

So, what does all that mean? It means that the baby isn't growing in the belly anymore and it's time to induce...soon. Dr. H called my OB right after I left and she called me when I was halfway home, told me to turn around and get to her office. Pronto.

Thus began the day that doesn't seem quite real. But, we're taking it an hour at a time. I'm scheduled for an induction at 6am in the morning. We'll probably start pitocin around 7 and get the show on the road. We'll have a pediatric urologist, chief neonatologist, my trusty OB and a few nurses in the delivery room with us. That brings me GREAT comfort. That, and knowing that many of you are praying, for real. We're going to try for a normal delivery and only do a c-section if necessary.

If you're a facebooker, check there tomorrow...I'm sure Scott will keep everyone duly posted and I'll do my best in between contractions :-)

We will most definitely have a stay in the NICU - but for how long is anybody's guess. Again with the hour at a time thing. Thank goodness God doesn't throw all this on you at once.

Admittedly, I had to collect myself after my first doctor visit this morning. I just kept telling myself, "Kathryn, you have got to pull yourself together." Eh, didn't really work, but it's a start.

Stay tuned...a family of 7 is headed your way :-)

Pray for us

This morning is a biggie. We find out a real, live delivery date, how much Baby W has gained, how those little kidneys of his/hers are doing and our next step.

Scott and I were chatting today and both of us admitted that we've been so focused on each milestone - amnio results, 24 weeks, BPP perfect scores, weight gain, etc. - that we haven't thought too much about the "what if's". We agreed that's a dangerous game to play. But, still, the worry and anxiety is there. Part of being human, I guess.

Help us to take tomorrow for all that it is and not get caught up in what could be - but rather, what is. Easier said than done.

I'll post an update later this afternoon.

Top Ten: What would you do differently?

For those that know me well, I've been a Patrick Swayze fan for a long time. Something about his smooth moves in Dirty Dancing left me wondering if Jennifer Grey could learn to dance, then maybe I could too. That, and the Barbara Walters interview he did shortly after he made the movie. I couldn't believe that a man could be that in love with his wife. Then, I married Scott and understood exactly where he was coming from.

Now, whether you agree with his choice of religion (not really a fan of that) or some of his movies and their morality is beside the point...pancreatic cancer is a beast and he dealt with it with grace. All this nonsense about Serena, Joe and Kanye (seriously, those three need therapy, not an insincere apology) juxtaposed with the death of Mr. Swayze got me thinking...

What if I was diagnosed with something terminal? How would that change my perspective? What would I do differently?

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO PONDER

1. Would I be proud of how I talked about people I loved?

2. Would my kids remember that I was a loving mom or would they remember that I freaked out because water got all over the bathroom tile?

3. Would I have spent so much time on the computer, or would I have taken a break when the girls asked me to play "Ring Around the Rosie"?

4. Would I complain about insignificant things going on in life, or would I take time to listen to my husband's day?

5. Would I cook or call for delivery?

6. Would I donate more to my checkbook or to charity?

7. Would I get busy dying or get busy living?

8. Have my words and actions glorified God or have they glorifed me?

9. Will my life have mattered?

10. Would I be proud of the legacy I left here on Earth?

I wish I had all the answers to those. Someday. Better run, though, a game of "Ring Around the Rosie" is calling...

Before & After, Part III

Before I get too far into Home Reno 101, today marks a HUGE milestone. I'm officially 36 weeks! I think that's reason enough to celebrate with two bowls of ice cream tonight, don't you? No complaints here. You'll get the full baby report on Thursday.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog post for today...

Well, as you can see, nesting is in full effect. You (and my husband) will be happy to know we're finally done...for now. I have some other projects that we did, prior to this one, but why give you all the goods today?

My most important question in these bathroom renos was, "Who in heaven's name puts carpet in a bathroom?" Between that haven for bacteria, the hooker lights (that's what they remind of!), the cheap linoleum and the outdated fixtures I was ready to put on my parachute pants, jellies and a friendship bracelet and hip-hop back into 1982. Never fear, all remnants of that era are now in a landfill and at Austin's recycling center. Ta-da!

Anna-Laura's bathroom

The boys' bathroom (no before pics on this one, totally thought I had them, my memory card on the camera tells me differently)

Note: picture pretty horrendous pee-soaked white carpet (got the visual?) and icky linoleum and you'll agree this is a major upgrade even though it didn't cost like one!

I've still got some before and after's from our Aggie office, master bedroom, ALG's room and the nursery. Puh-lenty to keep you coming back for more. I'm hesitant to say nesting is done because that means Baby W could arrive any moment. So, I'll say this. We're nearly done. Whew. Dodged that one.

And...he's stateside!!

My cousin John (his mom and my dad are siblings) arrived home from his second year-long deployment in Iraq. The first was behind a desk, this time around he got to enjoy having a cross-hair on him. Fun times. We are tha-rilled to have him home and even more excited that his unit will be stationed at Camp Mabry here in Austin.

Who knew he could draw such a crowd over the Labor Day weekend? Lots of cousins were in town by happenstance and we had fun breaking in the new house with our first official "big gig." Final report? This house is staged to party. We've determined that the house has some "zones."

The game zone.

The "oh no, Uncle Bill's telling another story" zone.

The eating / domino zone (the most important one, mind you). Thanks for teaching us all Chickenfoot David!! And, boom goes the dynamite. Clearly, those of us in this zone had the most fun.

The backyard free-for-all zone.

Obviously, some zones play double duty depending upon the hour of the party :-)

We laughed...A LOT. And, we enjoyed being around family. So, here's to good memories, fun family and a whole lotta good food.

QOTW: September 11, 2009

Will: So, why are we having a party for cousin John, Mom?

Me: Because he just got back from his year-long deployment to Iraq.

Will: Oh, so was he there like on vacation or something?

Me: Uh, no. He was over there protecting your hiney.

Will: You said hiney, Mom!

So I did. But, the message is still the same. John, we're thrilled to have you home (and stationed down the road at Camp Mabry for the next 6 years!) and thank God everyday for the sacrifice you make. I'm sure today evokes many memories for everyone of us. One of those moments in history that give you pause to think about just how horrible it was, how far we've come and how we should never forget.

God Bless America and put on a little Neil Diamond in your CD player if you've got it :-)

We are supposed to have a busy weekend, but the rain (THANK YOU JESUS!) may pre-empt the weekend 'o sports games. Will started flag football and ALG and JP are in soccer. ALG has a double-header, so between the three, we'll be spectators at four. We shall see if that actually happens. I'll be super bummed for the kids, but not so bummed that we'll have some extra time on our hands.

My Papa and his wife, Betty, are here all weekend for his WWII Bomb Group reunion. That's a big hoo-rah. The girls, Mom and I had lunch together and it was so fun. I love that at 83 he's still active, funny and very engaged in our lives. It's a tremendous gift and I'm so very thankful that my children have the opportunity to know their great-grandfather. That just rocks.

Hey, make it a great weekend, ok? We'll post some fun pics from the "Cousin John Welcome Home" bash, along with some weekend festivities.

Update 9.10.09

Oh, my favorite doctor was back this week! Scott was making fun of me this morning because I was heading off to see the "other man in my life." Funny, because after seeing him on a pretty regular schedule for the last three months, I feel like he's a part of the family. Never fear, though, his eyes aren't nearly as pretty as Scott's and he's way too short for me.

I digress.

Baby started out a little persnickety on the monitor, but we finally got him/her settled enough to get a good heart reading. The BPP earned all 10's this week - hooray for that - and then Dr. H did a quick ultrasound. Well...it was supposed to be quick. But, as soon as the baby popped on the screen, he says, "Hmm, interesting." I took that to be better than, "Oh, that's not good." Which he did NOT say by the way.

After a really long five minutes of him whisking that ultrasound wand over my belly, we talked about the 'interesting.' Turns out one of baby's kidneys is a little smaller than he'd like and the other appears to be a pelvic kidney. Still not sure on the particulars, but it's not interfering with development and it's a little hard to tell just what all that means via an ultrasound. At any rate, he's planning on calling the pediatric urologist (another specialist we know well, courtesy of John Paul) and the neonatologist to give them some history so they're well aware of us before we arrive.

Gotta love the pre-introductions. I feel like the cool pledge sister being introduced to the actives by the President. Hopefully, it will all be precautionary.

After Dr. H left the room, I had a chance to visit with the sonographer. She's been working with him for 15 years and when I told her how much we enjoy seeing him, she just smiled and said, "He's a great doctor. The best." Can I tell you how thankful I am that providence landed us at this office with this doctor? That is surely an answer to prayer.

Enough gushing. Sorry.

My OB visit went well, too. I'm likely Group B strep positive - no hooray for that. Guess I'll get a dose or two of antibiotics while in labor. It's no big shake, as I've been positive for the last three babies. But, still.

So, it looks like delivery talk will be on the agenda at next Thursday's visit. Time is a tickin'. Baby W will soon have a name (I hope), a cute little face to kiss and itty bitty diapers to change. Now that's something to celebrate!!

As always, thanks for the prayers. So many milestones yet to reach, help us take them one at a time.

Next one? 37 weeks for me, 5 pounds for Baby W.

The Guessing Game

Hat tip to my sister-in-law Jennifer for directing me to a fun site. If you want to join in on the fun and take a stab at guessing Baby W's name, weight, birthdate and sex, just follow these instructions. Happy guessing.

Not sure yet what we'll award the winner. I'm thinking a night of babysitting :-)

To participate, click here.

If that doesn't work, go to www.expectnet.com and enter "Baby-W" as the game name in the space indicated on the home page.

Top Ten: The First 48 Hours

It's tough thinking back over eight years ago what life was like as a new mom. When I reflect on that time in my life, I realize just how far Scott and I have come - totally in a good way, of course.

The first 48 hours in the hospital is a bit of a blur. We were totally smug that our "perfect" first baby was sleeping 5 hour stretches at the hospital and I scoffed at those parents who were sleep deprived. Oh, I ate those words in the first 72 hours. Trust me. I'm pretty sure when we shared that overconfidence with our OB, he just chuckled and said, "Really? Let me know how the first week goes."

There was lots to learn. Lots to soak in. If only I knew then, what I know now :-)

TOP TEN: THE FIRST 48 HOURS

1. Toss your birth plan out the window. Don't get me wrong, they're nice to have. Nice goals, if you will. But, if we've learned anything about our four completely different birth experiences, nothing goes according to plan.

2. Don't be afraid to ask for the epidural - early. Some women go the natural route (planned or unplanned), but I'm a wus by nature...at least in the baby delivery department. At 2cm, I was in some serious pain - that and the fact that it was 2am in the morning. My sweet Dr. Teter sauntered into the room, sipping his coffee and says, "You're welcome for the epidural early." An hour later, we were pushing.

3. It 'ain't like TLC's "A Baby Story." I think I saw every episode and our experience was like none of 'em. I don't watch that show anymore. It just annoys the heck out of me.

4. Call on the lactation consultant often and early. If there's anything that helps predict early nursing success, it's getting your baby to latch on the right way. That, and a little Lansinoh never hurts.

5. Ice packs are your friend. Those that have had babies know where I'm coming from on this one.

6. Clean out the baby cart - diapers, rash cream, wipes, vaseline, alcohol wipes - the whole shabang, before you check out. You're paying for it anyway, you might as well take it all home with you.

7. Don't stress about packing the overnight bag. Our first had everything but the dad gum kitchen sink. Now, we don't even bother packing one. Scott just packs a few things for me when he comes home to shower. Those cute pajamas that I thought I'd be sporting never left the bag, neither did the underwear, scented candles, CD player and music, massage oil... I would, however, recommend bringing your driver's license and an iPod if you have it. Forgot the former during the last delivery.

8. Tell people to bring the gifts to your house. We felt like pack mules when we left the hospital with Will. It's not that we weren't grateful, but we were stressed enough. It took Scott three trips to the car before he was ready for us!

9. Rooming in with your baby is like going on a romantic getaway to Hawaii with your kids. Trust me, you have the rest of your life to sleep with your kids just a stone's throw away. The first 48 hours is the most sleep you're going to get for about a year. Shoot, I'd even call it a mini-vacation these days. Someone else taking care of the baby when I'm too tired, someone else cooks and cleans and I don't have to shower if I don't want to.

10. Get the number of every girlfriend you know who's had a baby recently and put her on your speed dial. When you get home, she will be the one you can ask any question. Moms are good, but you need someone who's in the trenches with you.

And that, is the rest of the story.

Well, well, look who's in the paper!

You gotta check this story out in today's Statesman!! Nice photo of my husband and a great story about the Dominican sisters.

Pre-K here we come!

Just as soon as I recovered from the trauma of sending one to kindergarten, along comes Anna-Laura. With just 16 months between her and John Paul, it sometimes seems like we have twins. As soon as he reaches a milestone, she's right behind him.

Thursday was no different.

Fortunately, she went with a buddy. Clare began the two-year-old class, and according to chaueffer Scott, they bounded in like pros, hung up their backpacks, yelled bye and never looked back.

My babies are growing up. And quite confidently I might add.

Honestly? I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I had my doctor visits on Thursday morning, so Scott handled the morning school gig. That left me with nearly four whole hours with no kids. None. Zip. Nada.

It totally weirded me out. It wasn't weird enough, however, to keep me from getting a pedicure and taking in lunch with a girlfriend...

The "freedom" won't last long, but I'm thanking God for the break. It's much needed. And, really, who am I kidding? I can't wait to have a newborn in the house again. It's brutal, but I think we're ready. Check back with me in about five weeks and I'll let you know how it's going.

Now...off to make my Tuesday/Thursday "me time" list...

QOTW: September 4, 2009

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
Me, to my husband.

The reality is this. Fund raising is a thankless job. Scott has JOYFULLY been raising funds for various causes since 1996. First for A&M as an intern, then for Iowa State as a student volunteer, then came National FFA, the Catholic Archdiocese of Indianapolis and now for the Catholic Diocese of Austin.

Some of you might think raising money is easy. I'm here to tell you spending it is easy, but raising it is not. When was the last time you confidently strolled to lunch with a potential donor and asked them to make a sacrificial gift of $3-million or $1,000 - and everything in between? Scott does it every week. While his name won't be on any plaque for his hard work or mentioned in a newsletter for his hours of dedication or his shoulder squeezed for a job well done - I know that what he does makes a difference. Every hour of every day, Scott glorifies God in his work.

That's worth a thank you in my book, any day of the week.

22% of the annual operating budget of the Diocese rests on his shoulders. So do the major capital campaigns throughout our 125-parish Diocese - parishes, schools, conferences. He is the "stewardship boss" as one of our friends so eloquently said. People often forget to thank him. They think money just grows on trees or that when they ask him to just get $50K for an event it's no big shake.

Because of my sweet husband's leadership...

High school students get to walk through the doors of a brand-new Catholic high school in north Austin.

Priests have a place to call home during their retirement years.

Seminarians will never have to ignore the calling to the priesthood because of a lack of funds for their education.

Hundreds of thousands of children will be taught about the Catholic faith by well-trained catechists.

Parishes will be able to call a physical building a home.

And so many more...

No doubt, he has an amazing team at the office, but every team needs a leader - one with vision, one with leadership and one with compassion. Scott has all three.

Sweetheart, I love what you do and how it has shaped you as a professional, as a man, as a father and as a husband. You are loved and appreciated. Your name is written in a heavenly book that sits at God's bedside table. No doubt.

Update 9.3.09

After a horrible dream about the baby last night - I woke up in a cold sweat at 4:30am and really never went back to sleep - I was incredibly thankful that I had a visit with my perinatologist today.

We passed the heartbeat test first run out - I was elated. The other ultrasound markers for my perfect "10" came out great as well. The only hard part was not seeing my beloved Dr. H. He was on vacay this week - deflated doesn't even begin to describe my heart when a different doctor did the growth scan. But, he will be back next week, so I can rest easy :-)

Dr. R said everything looked great from his perspective. Baby W is now 3.5 pounds - can I hear a WOO HOO? We're beginning to fall a little under the 10th percentile, but still growing. So, we continue to take it week by week. Every week the baby and I stay as one, the better. We'll just keep plugging away, I suppose. He did remind me that delivery is imminent. The waiting game has begun. I'm working like a fiend to get all my client work done, but if it doesn't happen - it doesn't happen.

As Scott says, "we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

Equally exciting news is that the girls started their first day of pre-k/mother's day out today. Scott said they bounded right in, waved and began a new adventure. The sweetness of life continues. Praise God for that.

While they were off learning their ABCs, playing and making new friends, I snuck in a pedicure and lunch with a sweet friend. It has been/is a magnificent day. I'll admit, the quiet house kinda freaked me out. I was relieved to pick up the girls and look forward to getting the boys in another hour or so.

I'll post school pics soon.

Top Ten: The Little Things

It's seems appropriate that today I give tribute to the "little" things I'm thankful about in this pregnancy. Little kinda seems to be the way we roll this time around. The weeks are ticking away (yesterday marked 34 weeks - only 6 to go!) and I know I will soon close this chapter of my life. Still not sure if I'm ready to do that, but that's another blog post :-)

There was a special saint who was often known for her "little way" and I find that it's no coincidence...St. Therese of Lisieux. She was born in Lisieux, France and Scott and I had the opportunity to visit there on our trip to Europe this spring. I was just 11 weeks pregnant when we visited her shrine. I have no doubt - no doubt - that her intercession has been a pillar of strength during this pregnancy.

Ok, on to why you logged on today...

TOP TEN: THE LITTLE THINGS

1. The sweet words people, both friends and strangers, have shared with me. Things like, "You're glowing" (even when I felt lousy) or "Five kids - that's awesome!" All those kind words you share with a pregnant woman don't go unnoticed. In fact, sometimes it makes our day.

2. The babysitting. Just last weekend one of Scott's co-workers offered her daughter's babysitting services (for free!!) so Scott and I could enjoy a kid-free lunch. She kept saying how it was no big deal. Oh contrare. It was the highlight of our week - uninterrupted time with each other.

3. The bathroom pass. Now that I'm finally looking preggo, this has got to be the biggest perk. I mean, if you have to pee every 15 minutes, it's nice to know you never have to wait in line.

4. The door holding. I don't think I've opened a door in the last several months. Dads, other moms, kids, senior citizens - they've all been more than happy to open the door for me and the gang. And, a few have even offered little thing #1 - a double dose.

5. The photos. Ok, while technically not a little thing in anyone's book, the gift of our photographer's time to shoot photos of me and the belly in 105-degree heat counts as a huge thing. I will cherish those photos forever.

6. The bowls of ice cream. I have always been a lover of lactose, especially when it's made in Brenham. Inevitably, ever night, I look over at Scott and smile. He hops off the couch and says, "What flavor? Banana split or chocolate chip cookie dough." And then I laugh because he always knows the answer. Banana split baby.

7. The back. I have to give kudos to God on this one. Just before I delivered Clare, my back when AWOL on me and I was in pain for 6 months. Serious pain. God must've known how incredibly difficult that was and blessed us with many graces this time around.

8. The doctors. At first, I was not a fan of our perinatologist. I thought he was a little too honest, a little too blunt. But, in the past three months I have come to appreciate his candor...and I've even seen some glimpses of a deeply spiritual, compassionate man. It was luck (or perhaps providence) that we landed in the office on his day. Whatever it was, I am humbled by how much he cares about us and Baby W.

9. The conversations. Sometimes God gives you a situation and you're able to have a splendid conversation with someone that you would've never had otherwise. I've learned so much about other women and their pregnancies - so much about the preciousness of life - so much about how we all struggle in one way or the other. It's been a privilege to listen to other people's stories and to share in their joy.

10. The tears. There have been a lot shed (perhaps one or two as I write this), both in joy and in despair. But all of them have been purposeful. They allowed me to get it out of my system and be a big girl.

Not sure how much longer Baby W and I get to co-habitate, but I'm loving the days I have left. Soon enough, my puffy ankles at the end of the day, my too-tight maternity shirts, my inability to climb the stairs without having to pause for a breath - those will all be a distant memory. Captured here on the blog for me to reflect upon and laugh. For now, while we look forward to the healthy delivery of Baby W, I'm also working hard to make sure I enjoy today. In all its glory.